Most of us underestimate how DESPERATELY we NEED acceptance, approval, respect - ok LOVE - throughout life. As soon as we're born we cry out for attention, "Look at me! I'm alive & I NEED to belong to & be cared for by this family / tribe!" But conditioning very quickly teaches us to change our cry to, "Look, I am USEFUL to this family / tribe!" This is a shift from rightly seeing ourselves as worthy of unconditional love simply because we're alive to begging for scraps of attention.
Sadly some, unable to attract even such 'conditional love,' will then pour their energies into attracting negative attention. Being alone, ignored does not seem to be a viable option.
"Self-compassion is a way of relating to ourselves kindly, embracing ourselves as we are, flaws and all."
Kristin Neff PhD TedX talk: "The Space Between Self-Esteem and Self Compassion." https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IvtZBUSplr4
But self-compassion can only actually take place by undergoing a fundamental identity shift, from the conditioned small needy lonely self, longing for, & 'looking for love in all the wrong places' (“the story of me”) to who we really, truly are, which is the unconditioned, transpersonal Self (Buddha-nature, “Christ within”, etc) - the very source of unconditional love. This is a massive unburdening AND what any transformative maturation ultimately depends on.
"According to the saints and mystics, love is the very fabric of what we are; we are fashioned out of its warmth & openness. ... love is the central force that holds our whole life together and allows it to function."
John Welwood. "Perfect Love, Imperfect Relationships. Healing the Wound of the Heart." Trumpeter, 2006.
Ultimately, the source & central theme of life is Intelligent Unconditional Loving Energy: http://www.johnlovas.com/search?q=unconditional
"O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek ... to be loved, as to love ..." Portion of Prayer of St Francis
Namaste
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