Wise Self-Soothing - Deeply Connecting with Ourself

     We humans have a very basic need to be fully accepted as we are - yes, to be loved unconditionally. When we feel that we're not, we become perilously vulnerable, fearing for our safety, our life. The short- & long-term consequences of feeling unaccepted, undesirable, unwanted, unlovable are dramatically illustrated by research on: Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs): https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/acestudy/index.html
     While the support of various communities is desirable & important, the most critical connection is ultimately with ourselves, and this can be & needs to be at the deepest level we can manage. Yet sadly, because of various past traumas, we're all surprisingly, unknowingly, armored against intimacy, particularly with ourselves. In fact, all too often, the relationship with ourself, tends to be militaristic: critical, harshly judgmental (via our internal dialogue or "self-talk"), in the mistaken belief that it will spur us on to success & therefore happiness. At a deeper, wiser relationship with ourself, we're more like a grandparent holding our young 'part' in safety & unconditional love, patiently, gently nurturing her/him to thrive. This relationship can be nurtured to grow indefinitely in depth & breadth, beyond words & concepts, as shown by shamans, mystics, saints, as well as many serious meditators & contemplatives throughout the ages - including right here, right now.

     “Feelings of connectedness, like feelings of kindness, activate the brain’s attachment system. The ‘befriend’ part of the ‘tend and befriend’ instinct has to do with the human tendency to affiliate, to come together in groups in order to feel secure. For this reason, people who feel connected to others are not as frightened by difficult life circumstances and are more readily able to roll with the punches.
      Of course, it’s wonderful when we can get our need to belong met by loved ones such as friends or family. But if you’re someone who has trouble sustaining good relationships, this type of social support may be missing in your life. And even in the best of circumstances, other people aren’t always able to make us feel that we belong and are accepted. In the cavernous halls of our own minds, we may feel isolated in any moment, even if this isn’t the way things actually are. Our fears and self-judgments are like blinders that often prevent us from seeing the hands that are being held out to help us. We may also be ashamed to admit our feelings of inadequacy to those we love, for fear that they wouldn’t love us anymore if they knew the way we really were. Hiding our true selves from others then makes us feel even more alone.
     That’s why it’s so important to transform our relationship with ourselves by recognizing our inherent interconnectedness. If we can compassionately remind ourselves in moments of falling down that failure is part of the shared human experience, then that moment becomes one of togetherness rather than isolation. When our troubled, painful experiences are framed by the recognition that countless others have undergone similar hardships, the blow is softened. The pain still hurts, but it doesn’t become compounded by feelings of separation. Sadly, however, our culture tells us to notice how we are unique from others, not how we are the same.” 
       Kristin Neff. “Self-Compassion. The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself.” HarperCollins Publishers, 2011.

awakeningartsacademy.com

 

Less Noise, More Meaning Please

     Identification with, and radical allegiance to a caveman leader or any cult-like group are attempts at instantly manufacturing a noisy ego, by those lacking self-esteem. Such allegiances are fear-based, so the ensuing rationalizations are funny.
     “People ... would rather believe in some other reality, even if it is only an illusion, so long as it makes them feel bigger.” Suzy Kassem 

     "The more you listen, the more you will hear. The more you hear, the more and more deeply you will understand, and the more wisdom, harmony, and balance you will bring to your life and world. As you practice mindfulness it is inevitable that you will encounter many aspects of your life and your world that are unsettling or challenging to face or embrace. It takes courage to create and sustain your mindful practice, but staying with it gives you the strength, compassion, and courage to cope with whatever life throws your way. Imagine how different our lives and world would be if we and others were to learn to listen more deeply to ourselves, each other, and the world around us!"
        Joel Levey, Michelle Levey. "Mindfulness, Meditation, and Mind Fitness." Conari Press, 2015.

     Though referring to creativity in visual arts, Keith Haring may just as well have been describing religion / spirituality:
     "When it is working, you completely go into another place, you're tapping into things that are totally universal, completely beyond your ego and your own self. That's what it's all about."  

Mob Mentality at a Soccer Match

Spirituality - Healthy or Unhealthy?

     “The pursuit of spiritual goals can be a useful excuse to avoid dealing with painful feelings, unresolved trauma, and limited professional development. But prioritizing transcendence over relationships becomes a way to be self-centered while appearing to be concerned for the benefit of other people. 
     So psychologists … apply a simple test to spiritual statements: Do the beliefs and practices take the person closer to a functional and helpful existence, or away from one?”
        Scott Carney. "A Death on Diamond Mountain. A True Story of Obsession, Madness, and the Path to Enlightenment." Gotham Books, 2015.
       The message: don't join cults, especially if you have undiagnosed & untreated psychiatric conditions - perfectly reasonable!
       But then the author warns against serious spiritual pursuits in general, travel to foreign countries with different cultures, and the power of evil spells, - all of these endangering sanity & life - ????

     Futile attempts to escape psychosocial dysfunction through religion / spirituality is called spiritual bypassing. See: http://www.johnlovas.com/2013/02/processing-karma-now-spiritual-bypassing.html 
     When unfortunate, marginalized individuals get trapped in spiritual bypassing, usually after intensive brainwashing by sociopathic handlers, instead of finding heaven, they "unleash hell on earth", primarily for their own families. Such psychosocial illness has nothing to do with legitimate humanistic / religious / spiritual aspirations. 
     Mindfulness-based Stress Reduction (MBSR) is an increasingly common humanistic pathway towards greater depth of meaning: http://jglovas.wix.com/awarenessnow#!Meditations-Potential/c17jj/565b14520cf221f2a7a5e228

     Examples of legitimate Buddhist aspirations are expressed by Dogen:
     "Just practice good, do good for others, without thinking of making yourself known so that you may gain reward. Really bring benefit to others, gaining nothing for yourself. This is the primary requisite for breaking free of attachments to the self."
     and the Bodhisattva vow: http://www.johnlovas.com/2015/06/bohdisattva-vow.html 

Buddha statue