Grief, Catastrophe, and the "Big Heart"

    I've written numerous blogs about both the damaging (eg PTSD), as well as the beneficial effects (eg Post-traumatic Growth) of trauma on individuals: http://www.johnlovas.com/search?q=PTSD and http://www.johnlovas.com/search?q=Post-traumatic+Growth .
    Yesterday I came across a fascinating book about the beneficial effects of trauma on large groups of people: Rebecca Solnit. “A Paradise Built in Hell. The Extraordinary Communities that Arise in Disaster.” Penguin, 2009.
    And call it synchronicity, just today I received this wonderful essay (below) in my email from Zen teacher Henry Shukman:

Grief, Catastrophe, and the "Big Heart"
Henry Shukman
henryshukman.com

    "I occasionally hear from someone who has suffered a catastrophic loss or challenge. Or a series of them. Sometimes I quickly feel unqualified to respond, because they can be about severe losses I have been spared so far. But then I realize — wait, I've lost people as close as close can be. As a parent I've lived on the harrowing edge. And all of us are subject to the ills that flesh is heir to.
    As the Buddha put it in a sutra: four great mountains are rolling toward each one of us, that will inevitably crush us: old age, sickness and death. (The fourth mountain, 'rebirth,' is kind of irrelevant to us unless we happen to have a reincarnationist worldview.)
    We all live on the perilous edge. We may think we don't — and there are ways of heaping up apparent bulwarks against the uncertainties that surround us, but none of them can work for long. Death and loss is a truth we all have to face. The point of practice, some say, is to face it and make our peace with it before it comes.
    If we do that, then we are free to live. That's the claim the practices sometimes make — that once death is no longer a menace to us, we are able to live fully and freely. Death, where then is thy sting?, as old scripture puts it.
    A realist might say: accept it. Accept your own temporariness. You are a bundle of systems and conditions that inevitably must change and come apart.
    Zen, the deep realist, says: Wait, what actually is this experience we call life anyway? And who exactly, truly, am I? Examine this experience, examine your sense of self, and you will find that there really may be no one to die, and nothing to lose.
    This discovery, if thought about, if pondered intellectually, may or may not be much help. But how different it is to make this discovery personally, in the deepest depths of your own being.
    Then the discovery is profoundly liberating. It's liberating in an almost inconceivable way. It frees us from our most basic assumptions and preconceptions about life and identity.
    But that's not all it does. It also blasts open our hearts. It's as if it opens us up to one single, whole, all-inclusive heart, that is somehow right here in the midst of every moment of our life.
    What is this 'big heart'? Some teachings say that all things are made of fundamental consciousness and this consciousness is intrinsically loving.
    Some experiences suggest that all things are made of a single fabric, and that fabric is one, just one, and therefore all things are secretly unified already, and to get the merest taste of that oneness is to get blasted by a great love, the love of utter belonging.
    And some say all things are made of nothing, you included, and that all things are empty, so that all things are erupting from nothing and appear just as they do, and act and interact just as they do, while never ceasing to be, in reality, nothing. And to discover this personally is a kind of triple blessing.
    Namely — first, you find you are inseparable from all else. Second, you find that you are utterly open and free. And third, you emerge along with all of your experience right now, as a kind of surge of infinite energy.
    Whether that big heart is a single consciousness, or a single fabric, or an emptiness, a nothing, an unnameable source of everything, these are just three views of what it might be. I assume they're all correct and real. And I know some argue about that (I've done so myself at times). And I also assume that they are by no means an exhaustive list of its attributes. I assume in some way they are all also wrong, that they are just attempts at suggesting the unnameable.
    I also assume one day we'll actually understand all the above much better than we do now, and perhaps have language for it, and that it itself will teach us how to speak of it, as more of us discover it, and as this kind of human experience is subjected more and more effectively to scientific investigation.
    On top of that, we will find better and better ways of discovering it for ourselves, and living in contact with it.
    Right now, we are already privileged to be living in a time when many different methods and approaches to it are becoming accessible globally, and we will likely get better at matching person and method, as time goes by.
    But what does all this have to do with harrowing losses? Well, this big heart — it's the ultimate healing, the ultimate solace. First, it can definitely be a comfort just to hear of it. To hear that this world may be one big heart experiencing itself. Second, I've heard from people who in times of catastrophe found an unfamiliar peace, a radical acceptance, a sense that there was some way in which all was okay, or perhaps a spring of warm love opened in their heart — as if something that was a face of this 'big heart' showed itself, just when it was most needed.
    That doesn't mean there isn't grief or rage or fear. It just means that an access to a wider, larger, deeper love is sometimes touched, tapped, opened up, when it’s most needed. And that can make all the difference.
    But also, if we are touched and struck by this reality — of an all-encompassing 'singularity' — then the grace of that reality can wipe away all our worry and fear, by showing us that truly we have nothing to lose, truly we are right now being given the boundless gift of experience and consciousness, and yet, at the same time, somehow, they can never be taken away.
    Zen says: We are all traveling in a single boat. And we are all living under the shelter of the 'shadowless tree.' Somehow, against all appearances, we can't fall out of that boat, and no matter how we may sometimes feel, we can't lose the shelter of that strange shadowless tree."
    Henry Shukman henryshukman.com

    “Our talent for division, for seeing the parts, is of staggering importance – second only to our capacity to transcend it, in order to see the whole.” Iain McGilchrist

Reminders to Keep Evolving

    A couple of reminders:

    I write these blogs partially as reminders for myself - I aspire towards these things I write about. Like you, I'm in the process of "awakening". The quotes I select seem to me to be wise "fingers pointing toward the moon" - they point towards the Mystery from which, in my (& many others') humble opinion, we arise and to which we return.

    And it's normal for us to initially resist evolution / transformative growth:

    “All truth goes through three stages. First it is ridiculed. Then it is violently opposed. Finally it is accepted as self-evident.” Arthur Schopenhauer, 19th-century German philosopher
 

    Anyone with the slightest connection to the power of love (Mystery, Divine, Tao, Source, God, etc) understands that all motivation is based on at least loving & nurturing oneself, one's family & tribe towards long-term happiness. Gradually, this primitive instinctual self-serving love, naturally evolves (from egocentric to allocentric & ecocentric) to include progressively wider circles of compassion eventually including all of life, all of matter.

 

    “Not knowing we are loved & lovable makes the heart grow cold. And all the tragedy of human life follows from there." John Welwood. "Perfect Love, Imperfect Relationships. Healing the Wound of the Heart." Trumpeter, 2006. 

    It's very difficult to understand behavior where love seems to be completely missing. Examples: 

    • those who continue starting wildfires in our forests & cities while many others lose everything, despite the valiant tireless efforts of firefighters who risk their health & lives,

    •  bullying in schools & workplace

    • "presidents-for-life," populist politicians & other large scale bullies who incite their followers to work against humanity's common good & start wars for personal gain.

    Anger & disgust at such behavior is entirely reasonable & even potentially helpful, BUT it can easily degenerate into dehumanizing individual perpetrators. Though it's not easy to remember, they are human beings, and we need to remember to become curious about the many hidden causes & conditions behind their harmful behavior instead of harshly writing them off as "inhuman." Imagine if one of these "horrible perps" was your only child - wouldn't you want them to get the best, most compassionate mental-health care (rather than the harshest punishment)?

 

    IF we survive our current reckless disregard for the common good, those reading history books 50 years from now will find it very hard to believe the ridiculous things we said, did & most of all failed to do over the past decade or so. 

    My hope is that there will be enough wise, energetic young leaders - like New Zealand's recent Prime Minister, Jacinda Ardern - to inspire & energize our comatose "silent majority" into life-affirming action. 

    “Such, it seems to me, are the mysterious interior conduits of grace in which transmissions of holiness & destiny flow from one awakening heart to another.” James Finley. “The Healing Path. A Memoir and an Invitation.” Orbis, 2023.

    “The easy path of aging is to become a thick-skinned, unbudging curmudgeon, a battle-axe. To grow soft and sweet is the harder way.” James Hillman

 

“You know you're close to the truth
when you have tears in your eyes.”
Gopi Krishna

     As the quotes above suggest, after experiencing hardships, it's natural & easy to shut down, get armored up, yet remain hypersensitive & become easily triggered by reminders of trauma we've suffered.

    But I'm inspired by those who've endured, learned from, healed and have grown wiser as a result of very challenging lives. Three EXCELLENT examples of such exemplars:   

     • Amoda Maa. "Falling Open in a World Falling Apart. The Essential Teaching of Amoda Maa.” Larson, 2020.

     • Isira. "Buddha on the Dance Floor." ‎ Living Awareness, 2014.

     • James Finley. “The Healing Path. A Memoir and an Invitation.” Orbis, 2023. 

    And a classic book on the general topic of "post-traumatic growth" - though this term had not yet been used at the time: 

    • Elizabeth Lesser. “Broken Open. How Difficult Times Can Help Us Grow.” Villard, 2005.

 

    “The body is only an effect, of which Love is the cause. As I realised this I could release myself from the need to validate my being through any body or personality identity. Who or what I had been or am in body is truly an insignificant mirage next to the knowing of myself as Love. Knowing this, and what that love was to do, was the only thing that mattered.
    And that pointed me to one place alone. The past, memories of identity, or the searching of future attainments, are all the ego’s clinging to that which is not real. The place of love was and remains the being I AM, eternally NOW.” Isira “Buddha on the Dance Floor.” Living Awareness, 2015.

 

    ... my discovery was that life is the guru. Life is constantly calling you, like the beloved, into its arms, inviting you, not just to have a blissful experience, but through the darkness, through the difficulties, through the challenges, through the darkest places (it doesn’t have to be terrible on the external), but through the places that we hide from ourselves within ourselves, to surrender to that because everything is love – in the darkest places is light. And somehow that was the wisdom I gained from my own direct experience. ... And that’s what changed everything – it was unexpected.” Amoda Maa Talks About Her Life Before Awakening : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T4sn-jz-QA0

 

     “We are human beings, endowed with an incredible dignity; but there’s nothing more undignified than forgetting our greatness & clutching at straws.” Peter Kingsley

 

 Partisanship

Healing - Slow and Fast

     Different circumstances can profoundly change life for the better:
     1) Awakening;
     2) Near death experiences (NDEs);
     3) Post-traumatic growth (PTG); and
     4) Entheogens.

     1) Those who practice meditation seriously, seamlessly incorporate a mindful way of being into the fabric of daily life. The more wisely one practices meditation, the more one progressively awakens to a qualitatively different, wiser, kinder, more joyous relationship to oneself, others, life itself, that is independent of society's usual markers of happiness such as wealth, power, fame, and even physical health. This transformation - like becoming a parent - cannot be fully appreciated intellectually, only directly experienced.
     We tend not to notice the negative influences our culture has on us, and so most people simply follow the herd and avoid thinking outside the box - watch the short video (bottom of this page).
     Rodney Smith. "Awakening. A Paradigm Shift of the Heart." Shambhala, 2014.

     2) “A near death experience (NDE) is a profound event that (10-20% of) people experience when they are near death, on the threshold of death, or sometimes are afraid they’re about to die. They include such things as a sense of leaving the physical body; going through some type of tunnel to another realm of light where they encounter a loving beam of light; they often go through a life review; & at some point may see other entities such as deceased loved ones; & then at some point they choose to come back to their bodies or are told to come back. But the entire experience is infused by a sense of peace & well-being, which is in stark contrast to the near-death state where they’re terrified usually, & in a lot of pain.” Bruce Greyson 

     3) "Post-traumatic growth (PTG) typically refers to enduring positive psychological changes experienced as a result of adversity, trauma, or highly challenging life circumstances."
     Eranda Jayawickreme et al. “Post‐traumatic Growth as Positive Personality Change: Challenges, Opportunities, and Recommendations.” Personality 89; 1: 145-165, 2021.
     Elizabeth Lesser. “Broken Open. How Difficult Times Can Help Us Grow.” Villard, 2005.

      4) Entheogens are psychoactive substances that alter perception, mood, consciousness, cognition, or behavior for spiritual development or other sacred contexts en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Entheogen. There are increasing reports in scientific journals of agents such as ketamine, which when administered by trained medical personnel in supportive, controlled settings, can elicit remarkable alleviation of severe, previously treatment-resistant depression; lysergic acid diethylamide (LSD) and psilocybin can eliminate extreme fear of death (thanatophobia) among the dying, etc.
     The powerful healing effect of these drugs is highly dependent on "set & setting": safe, supportive healing environment, medical expertise & healing intention.
     Krystal JH et al. "Ketamine: A Paradigm Shift for Depression Research and Treatment." Neuron 2019 https://doi.org/10.1016/j.neuron.2019.02.005
     Mackenzie Blomstrom, Andrew Burns, Daniel Larriviere & Jennifer Kim Penberthy (2020): "Addressing fear of death and dying: traditional and innovative interventions." Mortality, DOI: 10.1080/13576275.2020.1810649
    Michael Pollan's book “How to Change Your Mind. What the New Science of Psychedelics Teaches Us About Consciousness, Dying, Addiction, Depression, and Transcendence.” Penguin, 2018. - AND - his 2022 (4-part) Documentary “How to Change Your Mind" on Netflix both EXCELLENT & HIGHLY recommended!

     Of these four, meditation-facilitated awakening is the most gradual, gentle, and most directly under the participant's own guidance. This is an alternative life path, chosen by those who seek a more deeply meaningful, heart-centered quality of life than the mainstream egocentric competitive / adversarial materialistic lifestyle. Serious, long-time meditation practice markedly reduces fear of aging, sickness & death, which in turn allows us to appreciate & enjoy life more deeply.
     The other three tend to involve recent or impending severe trauma as a potential wake-up call.
     All four can result in a radically positive, stable change in the participant's personality, self-concept, worldview, and overall quality of life. All this happens WHILE clearly facing & lovingly embracing ALL of "life's 10,000 joys AND 10,000 sorrows" - THIS is radical intimacy! THIS is "healing into wholeness." THIS is what is meant when a person is healed, despite not being cured. THIS is the BEST a mortal human can be.

     To our ego (the role of which is our physical survival & passing on of our DNA), physical death is "unacceptable." Yet, the most basic law of nature is that everything changes constantly, we all become sick, grow old and die. So, if we are ready & able to prioritize our sanity & happiness, we prioritize maturing well beyond basic egocentricity.

     "Suffering is caused by identification with egoic consciousness." Adyashanti

     "the ego-shell in which we live is the hardest thing to outgrow." D.T. Suzuki

     Especially if you fear death - and most of us do - I HIGHLY recommend this wonderful book - you will feel much better about death AND about life!:
     Bruce Greyson. “After. A Doctor Explores What Near-Death Experiences Reveal about Life and Beyond.” St. Martin’s, 2021.

     "The more you understand, the more you love; the more you love, the more you understand. They are two sides of one reality. The mind of love and the mind of understanding are the same.” Thich Nhat Hanh

 

Bud Light 2010 Ad - Crashed Plane "We're gonna be okay!!!!" 

Restless Souls, Acorns and Wisdom

     First, a true story from Cynthia Bourgeault:

     “Long ago, back in Maine, I worked for a small marine publishing company, where I had the pleasure of editing A Cruising Guide to the Maine Coast by a man named Hank Taft. When I met him, Hank was one of those exuberant, restless souls, sixty-one going on thirty, filled with life and passion. A member of the distinguished Taft clan that has contributed to American history a president and a pioneering educator, he bounced around in a variety of careers, from business executive to president of Outward Bound. He’d rowed the entire Maine coast in a twelve-foot Peapod and was now making a fine debut as an author and a cruising sailor.
     ‘Stunned’ was the response of virtually everyone who knew him when we learned that Hank had contracted pancreatic cancer. And Hank himself was no less stunned, but he quickly regrouped. Characteristically, his first response was to give it the ‘old Yale try,’ taking command of his treatment program with the same panache as if planning a transatlantic cruise. The pieces involved an eclectic blend of physical workouts, diet, light chemotherapy, and – new to a staunch rationalist like Hank – visualization meditation for an hour each morning.
     I remember the day very clearly: February 4, 1991. The sun was just rising over the islands of Penobscot Bay, and Hank’s wife, Jan, had cooked us a hearty lumberjack’s breakfast. As we sat overlooking the cold, brilliant ocean partly obscured in winter sea smoke, conversation came around to the topic of Hank’s plans for the upcoming sailing season. Somehow we got from there onto the subject of fog, and we all shared our uneasiness about making passages in zero-visibility conditions.
     ‘But there’s a lot of ways to keep busy so you don’t feel your fear,’ Hank observed cheerfully. ‘You can keep precise time checks and enter them in the log. You can stand out on the bow and every minute do a 360-degree scan of the waters. You can watch for changes in ripple patterns and identify passing lobster buoys …’
     ‘Yes, I said – and then, volunteering some of my own work-in-progress on the subject of fog passages, ‘or else you can just let the fear come up and fall through it to the other side….’
     He looked at me as if I’d just pierced him with a sword. How I wished those words had never been spoken!
     Over the next few weeks Hank became decidedly more inward. He quickly gave up the visualization and the lumberjack breakfasts, then the workouts and chemotherapy. He gathered his family, made his final reconciliations, settled his affairs, and waited. It did not prove to be a long wait. Within three weeks the rapidly spreading cancer had obstructed his lower intestine, and he faced the choice of eking out a few more weeks of life in a hospital or dying at home. Wholeheartedly he chose the latter.
     Hank had never been a religious man (in fact, he held religion primarily responsible for the bigotry and violence in the world), but in those final weeks a change so extraordinary came over him that none of us could fail to notice it. As his physical body withered, his soul grew large and luminous. Friends gathered by his bedside could feel the energy of love radiating from him almost as a force field. He faced his death with open heart, utterly trusting and utterly serene.
     Three days before the end, I went for what was to be my last visit. Hank was curled in bed, his body totally broken yet somehow radiantly powerful. We hugged each other and said farewell. And then his last words to me – so muffled and unexpected that I did not at first catch them: ‘Are you fearless yet?’
     ‘Not yet, Hank,’ I said. ‘I’m trying.’
     ‘Fall … fearless … into … love.’
     In those final mumbled words, Hank conveyed more to me of the essence of who he was and what life was than could have been done in a lifetime of spiritual teaching. … From a force greater than our own lives, we are made for this, and when we finally yield ourselves into it, we are born into a meaning that is never known as we struggle on the surface with our acorn reality.”

     Even if we sort of like Hank's final advice to Cynthia, without the 'help' of impending death, most of us cannot deeply understand it, because we live in "acorn reality" - our society's shallow, hyper-rational mental prison.
     Cynthia's story about "acorn reality":

     “Once upon a time, in a not-so-faraway land, there was a kingdom of acorns, nestled at the foot of a grand old oak tree. Since the citizens of this kingdom were modern, fully Westernized acorns, they went about their business with purposeful energy; and since they were midlife, baby-boomer acorns, they engaged in a lot of self-help courses. There were seminars called ‘Getting All You Can out of Your Shell.’ There were woundedness and recovery groups for acorns who had been bruised in their original fall from the tree. There were spas for oiling and polishing those shells and various acornopathic therapies to enhance longevity and well-being.
     One day in the midst of this kingdom there suddenly appeared a knotty little stranger, apparently dropped ‘out of the blue’ by a passing bird. He was capless and dirty, making an immediate negative impression on his fellow acorns. And crouched beneath the oak tree, he stammered out a wild tale. Pointing upward at the tree, he said, ‘We … are … that!’
     Delusional thinking, obviously, the other acorns concluded, but one of them continued to engage him in conversation: ‘So tell us, how would we become that tree?’ ‘Well,’ said he, pointing downward, ‘it has something to do with going into the ground … and cracking open the shell.’ ‘Insane,’ they responded. ‘Totally morbid! Why, then we wouldn’t be acorns anymore.’ ”

     Most of us are so armoured-up against life due to all sorts of traumas, that we're 'hard nuts to crack'. And yet ...

          "There is a crack in everything
           That's how the light gets in ..."          Leonard Cohen

     “Most important of all, do everything you can to nurture your spiritual intelligence. It is your only genuine source of hope, direction, meaning, and comfort.” Thomas Moore

      Cynthia Bourgeault. “The Wisdom Way of Knowing: Reclaiming An Ancient Tradition to Awaken the Heart.” Jossey-Bass, 2003. HIGHLY RECOMMENDED

     One of Tara Brach's fine guided meditations: https://www.tarabrach.com/meditation-opening-hearts-life/

Being Fully Alive

     Many Buddhists recite the Five Recollections every morning:
     1. I am of the nature to grow old; there is no way to escape growing old.
     2. I am of the nature to have ill health; there is no way to escape having ill health.
     3. I am of the nature to die; there is no way to escape death.
     4. All that is dear to me and everyone I love are of the nature to change. There is no way to escape being separated from them.
     5. My deeds are my closest companions. I am the beneficiary of my deeds. My deeds are the ground on which I stand.

     Many today would find, at least 1-4 disturbing or depressing. After all, we work so hard from early childhood on, to gain agency - as much control as possible over our external environment. We work constantly striving to make our immediate environment - our body, family, friends, home, car, office - as safe, healthy, pleasant & comfortable as possible. We want to hang onto the good stuff forever; we want to keep the bad stuff away forever. 

     “Everyone who is being overtaken by death
 asks for more time,
     while everyone who still has time
makes excuses for procrastination.”
       Cleary T (trans): "Living and Dying with Grace. Counsels of Hadrat Ali." Shambhala, 1996.

     At the same time, deep down we know that our ability to control most things is very limited & temporary. Everyone & everything is constantly changing, aging, getting sick & dying. It takes a higher-than-average level of maturity to let go of our "illusion of control," face reality squarely, and live our life with existential reality front & center. Psychologists have long recognized that a subconscious fear of death has a corrosive effect. 

     “Psychologists have conducted a great deal of research on our ability to consciously suppress unwanted thoughts & emotions. Their findings are clear: we have no such ability. Paradoxically, any attempt to consciously suppress unwanted thoughts & emotions appears to only make them stronger.
     Research shows that people with higher levels of self-compassion are significantly less likely to suppress unwanted thoughts & emotions than those who lack self-compassion. They’re more willing to experience their difficult feelings and to acknowledge that their emotions are valid and important. This is because of the safety provided by self-compassion. It’s not as scary to confront emotional pain when you know that you will be supported throughout the process. Just as it feels easier to open up to a close friend whom you can rely on to be caring and understanding, it’s easier to open up to yourself when you can trust that your pain will be held in compassionate awareness.
     The beauty of self-compassion is that instead of replacing negative feelings with positive ones, new positive emotions are generated by embracing the negative ones. The positive emotions of care and connectedness are felt alongside our painful feelings. When we have compassion for ourselves, sunshine and shadow are both experienced simultaneously. This is important – ensuring that the fuel of resistance isn’t added to the fire of negativity. It also allows us to celebrate the entire range of human experience, so that we can become whole. As Marcel Proust said, ‘We are healed from suffering only by experiencing it to the full.’ ” 
        Kristin Neff. “Self-Compassion. The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself.” HarperCollins, 2011.

     “Age is opportunity no less
than youth itself, though in another dress,
     And as the evening twilight fades away
the sky is filled with stars invisible by day.” Longfellow

     Meditation practice has been described as practicing dying. 
     “You can develop centered awareness through daily practice. Going inside daily – in meditation, in contemplative prayer, in solitude, in communion with nature – brings clarity to your purpose, your gifts, and your passion. It also brings you face-to-face with your fears and vulnerabilities as, in quiet awareness, you incrementally engage the light side and the shadow side, subtly preparing not just for vital living, but also for your eventual death.
     When your final breaths come, you can accept the Mystery graciously, knowing the impermanence of the body and the eternal nature of consciousness. When the great darkness blocks out the sun, centered awareness will provide the calm courage to embrace the Mystery. And if you are blessed with another sunrise, your choosing to connect daily with the mystery will enlighten everything – a cup of tea, a stand of trees, a simple hello.”
        Crum TF. “Journey to Center. Lessons in Unifying Body, Mind, and Spirit.” Fireside, 1997. 

     ANY of us might be surprised to find that we only have a very short time to live. This has the potential to vastly accelerate our process of maturation. Like the more common, protracted aging process (see: http://www.johnlovas.com/2011/12/successful-aging.html), the accelerated process also offers two main choices: remaining traumatized, bitter, angry etc by impending death - OR - impending death acting as a catalyst, resulting in flourishing & thriving (post-traumatic growth)!!!

     "some have asserted that cancer may be one of the most challenging diseases to treat because of the various levels of human experience that it penetrates, from the physical, to the psychological, and spiritual. However, psychological reactions to a cancer diagnosis are not exclusively negative. For example, a diagnosis may actually provoke patients to begin an internal search for greater awareness and a sense of meaning and purpose in life. ... A psychosocial transition is a major life event that causes a process whereby individuals gradually change their worldview, expectations, and plans. ... people may make sense of their diagnosis by finding positive benefit(s) in their situation.
     Related processes have been studied under various names, including post-traumatic growth (PTG), stress-related growth, benefit finding, adversarial growth, positive change, thriving, personal growth, positive adjustment, and transformation.
     ... PTG is comprised of three broad categories: perceived changes in self, a changed sense of relationship with others, and a changed philosophy of life. The mechanisms by which an intervention may facilitate the development of PTG may be through taking advantage of the trauma-induced disruption in the person’s life to introduce a transition towards new beneficial organization compared to one’s beliefs before the trauma."
       Garland SN et al. A non-randomized comparison of mindfulness-based stress reduction and healing arts programs for facilitating post-traumatic growth and spirituality in cancer outpatients. Support Care Cancer 2007; 15(8): 949-61.

     “We suffer to the exact degree that we resist having our eyes and hearts opened.” Adyashanti

     “In our society, we put a lot of emphasis on doing. So it can be frustrating to be in a situation in which there is often not all that much to do, as in relating with the sick or dying. But fundamentally it is our being that matters, who we really are and how that manifests in whatever we do.”
       Lief JL. “Making Friends with Death. A Buddhist Guide to Encountering Mortality.” Shambhala, 2001.

     "Dying people usually ask two questions: 'Am I loved?' and 'Did I love well?' This is where people find the meaning and value in their life as they come to the end."
       Frank Ostaseski, founder of the Zen Hospice project in San Francisco, California

Having Lost a Lot, We Grieve

     Covid 19 has shocked many of us out of our comfortable, trance-like, self-absorbed complacency. We hoped that we could float through life comfortably, without being overly bothered by the ridiculously miserable life circumstances of so many in the world, the escalating extinction of species & meltdown of our environment. But now suddenly, we're (almost) in the same boat as our fellow human beings around the globe. Almost, because we are able to comfortably remain in our homes to minimize exposure. Almost, because even if we do become infected, we're rested & well nourished to better fight the infection & have ready access to proper health care. Not so for the millions trapped in sprawling refugee camps and slums around the world.
     Nevertheless, we are now grieving for our lost innocence (naivete), our lost illusion of safety, our lost illusion of control over life. 
     It's very useful & beneficial to deeply understand our grieving process:


     “The five stages of grief are: 

Denial: shock and disbelief that the loss has occurred
Anger: that someone we love is no longer here
Bargaining: all the what-ifs and regrets
Depression: sadness from the loss
Acceptance: acknowledging the reality of the loss

     (These) describe only a general process. Each person grieves in his or her own unique way. …
     The fifth of Kubler-Ross’s five stages is acceptance. At this stage, we acknowledge the reality of loss. We take some time to stop and breathe into the undeniable fact that our loved ones [or other important relationships or possessions etc] are gone. There’s nothing easy about this stage. It can be extremely painful, and acceptance doesn’t mean that we are okay with the loss, or that the grieving process is now officially over. However, there’s been an assumed finality about this fifth stage that Elizabeth and I never intended. Over the years I came to realize that there’s a crucial sixth stage to the healing process: meaning. This isn’t some arbitrary or mandatory step, but one that many people intuitively know to take and others will find helpful.
     In this sixth stage we acknowledge that although for most of us grief will lessen in intensity over time, it will never end. But if we allow ourselves to move fully into this crucial and profound sixth stage – meaning – it will allow us to transform grief into something else, something rich and fulfilling.
     Through meaning, we can find more than pain. When a loved one dies, or when we experience any kind of serious loss – the end of a marriage, the closing of the company where we work, the destruction of our home in a natural disaster – we want more than the hard fact of that loss. We want to find meaning. Loss can wound and paralyze. It can hang over us for years. But finding meaning in loss empowers us to find a path forward. Meaning helps us make sense of grief …
     What does meaning look like? It can take many shapes, such as finding gratitude for the time they had with loved ones, or finding ways to commemorate and honor loved ones, or realizing the brevity and value of life and making that the springboard into some kind of major shift or change.
     Those who are able to find meaning tend to have a much easier time grieving that those who don’t. They’re less likely to remain stuck in one of the five stages. For those who do get stuck, this can manifest in many different ways, including sudden weight gain (or loss), drug or alcohol addiction, unresolved anger, or an inability to form or commit to a new relationship out of fear of experiencing yet another loss. If they remain stuck in loss, then they may become consumed by it, making it the focus of their life to the point where they lose all other sense of purpose and direction. Although you can’t pin all of your troubles or vices on getting stuck after a loss, there is almost always a connection.
     Grief is extremely powerful. It’s easy to get stuck in your pain and remain bitter, angry, or depressed. Grief grabs your heart and doesn’t seem to let go.
     But if you can manage to find meaning in even the most senseless loss, you can do more than get unstuck. When circumstances are at their worst, you can find your best. You can keep growing and finding ways to live a good and someday even a joyous life, one enriched by the lessons and love of the person who died [or memory of other serious loss].” 

      David Kessler. “Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief.” Scribner, 2019.

      David Kessler's recent (15min) television interview: http://www.pbs.org/wnet/amanpour-and-company/video/grief-expert-we-are-grieving-world-we-have-now-lost-hpbtkk/
      A recent magazine interview: https://hbr.org/2020/03/that-discomfort-youre-feeling-is-grief?fbclid=IwAR1QHDM0Q8ROEgqFdvv7lNl9p1NDxReunkDjYjceMQ98MJi6-AOBXdKfzls

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