Playing Small Does Not Serve the World

    One of the world's foremost experts in PTSD wrote: “If you feel safe & loved, your brain (is) specialized in exploration, play, & cooperation; if you are frightened & unwanted, it (is) specialized in managing feelings of fear & abandonment." Bessel Van Der Kolk. “The Body Keeps the Score. Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma.” Penguin Books, 2015.

    We immediately (incorrectly) assume that we're in the first "normal" group, and only a few war veterans & perhaps some severely traumatized first responders fit in the second "damaged" group. What proportion of your day do you feel anxious, needy, alone, uncomfortable COMPARED TO feeling light-hearted, carefree, adventurous, excitedly participating in group adventures? We can EITHER be afraid (hurt child) OR loving (wise elder) - our two basic 'ways of being' or 'operating systems,' - only ONE of which can be running at a time.

    Van Der Kolk writes that all of us have been exposed to a wide variety of traumas. The degree to which traumas have impacted our lives will clearly show by our dominant attitudes & moods. In Westernized societies like ours, I suspect very few of us grow up retaining a young child's innocent trust, feeling safe & loved, playing care-free and exploring the world with an open-hearted attitude towards all. 

    So most of us have endured sufficient direct & secondary trauma to have developed defenses against further injury: physical defenses - contracted, tight, stiff, tender muscles; emotional defenses - walled-off hardened heart, cynicism, suspiciousness, pessimism, fatalism, nihilism, anger, disgust; & mental defenses - left-hemisphere dominant, self-centered, narcissism, materialism. 

    Many of us are locked into this very constricted bleak worldview, so much so that it forms a sense of a very small 'self.' We're so emotionally bonded to this small sense of 'self' that when we're shown that we're so much more, it just makes us angrily defensive. This dark worldview draws our attention to, & magnifies everything that confirms, and away from, & trivializes anything that contradicts our dark, small worldview & self-concept.  

    As Anais Nin & others have said, we see things as we are. Our ego / left-hemisphere craves 'being right,' consistency & certainty, even if that means being stuck in misery. So it's incredibly easy to get stuck in despair & disgust - one just needs to become a CNN news junky. 

 

    It’s essential to remember that our disgust about past & ongoing human atrocities, no matter how justified our anger may feel, is nothing more than transient thoughts & emotions that are best “held lightly” with huge helpings of self-compassion & compassion for ALL. 

    One way to make some sense of this: A wise elder may disapprove of & be deeply saddened by her grandchild's criminal behavior, BUT nevertheless holds the child in safety & unconditional love (instead of hatred & vengeance) trusting that nurturing will bring about even his evolution (instead of giving up on a 'hopeless case' & 'throwing away the keys'). Our justice & prison system clearly need to evolve.

 

    “So long as one is merely on the surface of things, they are always imperfect, unsatisfactory, incomplete. Penetrate into the substance & everything is perfect, complete, whole.” Philip Kapleau. “The Zen of Living and Dying. A Practical and Spiritual Guide.” Shambhala, 1998.

 

    With practice, we can all gradually grow out of the fearful hurt child "fight, flight, freeze reaction" phase of life, and remember to mature back into, & re-assume our true nature the wise loving elder "tend & befriend" & "nurturing" phase. We progressively widen our circle of intimacy & nurturing, which happens naturally as we remember to reconnect with our true nature.

    And the practice boils down to simply noticing when we're once again in a dark place (mentally, emotionally, physically - usually in some combination), and 'sense' our way back to the light by 'deeply listening' (metaphorically speaking) for that within us that is always there, but is very, very subtle, with the characteristics of silence, stillness & peace. So effective meditation is very different than most of us imagined when we started.

    “As we sit quietly without any intention to change things or to have any particular experience we will begin to feel a sense of relaxation that deepens into a peaceful state as we progress. By letting go of wanting peace we begin to see that it is already here. It will be seen in time that all our attempts to get something simply clouds our awareness of what is already here.” Helen Hamilton. “Dissolving the Ego.” Balboa Press, 2021.

    There are excellent current guides to help us shift from chronic existential angst, frozen in anxiety, dread, sadness, hopelessness & meaninglessness into the process of awakening to our true nature. They all have many free youtube videos, as well as books & trainings programs:

    Helen Hamilton : www.helenhamilton.org

    Louise Kay : www.louisekay.net

    Eckhart Tolle : eckharttolle.com

    Adyashanti : adyashanti.opengatesangha.org

    Judith Blackstone : realizationprocess.org

    Stephan Bodian : www.stephanbodian.org

    Dorothy Hunt : www.dorothyhunt.org

    Mooji : mooji.org

 
    Be prepared to meet resistance to attempting this all-important shift, because our dominant ego/left-hemisphere interprets it as an attack on our life! Much like when we were kids & someone called us a "bad name" & we felt as if we'd been seriously physically wounded. Especially at a "mature" stage in life, psychological rigidity tends to dominate - “Can’t teach old dogs new tricks.” BUT if we're interested in maturing / evolving, we know that we have to learn to become psychological flexible. 

    Be very kind & patient with yourself, as when teaching a 2-year old child or a 2-month old puppy. When training yourself, as with little children & puppies, our primary responsibility is to hold the 'student' in safety & unconditional love. 'Success' is the student feeling safe & loved, regardless of whether learning seems to be occurring at all, slowly or quickly. As per the top of the page, the absolute essential conditions for exploration, play, & cooperation are feeling safe & loved.

 

“In this choiceless, never ending flow of life
There is an infinite array of choices.
One alone brings happiness -
To love what is.” Dorothy Hunt 

 

COLIBRI, art by Martina Hoffman

Artist website: www.martinahoffmann.com

 
 

A Splendid Mystery

“We are part of a mystery, a splendid mystery
within which we must attempt to orient ourselves
if we are to have a sense of our own nature.”     Marilynne Robinson

“Why should things be easy to understand?”     Thomas Pynchon

"We are stars wrapped in skin
The light you are seeking
has always been within."               Rumi

     North American surveys repeatedly show that most of us have mystical experiences, but due to family, societal & other pressures, we tend to downplay, discount or suppress these powerfully meaningful events, to conform to today's materialistic orthodoxy.
      Nevertheless, more & more of us are taking direct experiences seriously, investigating, integrating, & sharing them. David Bingham is an example of someone who underwent a major shift in consciousness, referred to as 'awakening' ('enlightenment') or directly experiencing one's 'True Nature' - who or what we actually are:

     "The main thing that happened, and this is true for most people I’ve spoken to where there’s been a similar shift (in consciousness), is that seeking stops. Because up until that point, we’re convinced that we really are this human being bound in time & space, moving through time towards something that we want. That can be a spiritual motivation. It can be trying to find the perfect relationship; it can be trying to find somewhere to live that you like; trying to have children; trying to have a good job; trying to make money. All of those things are all forms of seeking. Spiritual seeking tends to come after those have been exhausted, but really, there’s no pattern to it.
     But in terms of the integration, what took place to me is that the seeking stopped, because having seen clearly who & what you are, there’s no possibility of any seeking. So then an enfoldment takes place, because you realize that actually you’re already where you need to be. And then there’s a kind of fine tuning where one’s own inner knowing, one’s own intuition becomes much more clear. ... much more reliable. So even though there’s a desire to kind of share this, because consciousness is at the helm, it can only be shared when consciousness gives you the nod. So there isn’t anything you can do about that.
     In terms of personal life, the integration that took place is that actually, because there is only present awareness, then everything takes place within present awareness, so the unfolding of life, all of the stuff that continues: it appears that time’s going by, it appears as though there’s an aging process, that things are changing on the surface of life. It’s all from the point of view of completely stable knowing of who & what you truly are.

     There’s a line in the Bible where Jesus said, ‘The lilies of the field neither toil nor spin.’ And what happens in the development of consciousness is there’s a certain point that’s reached where seeking comes to an end, and then life begins to go by itself almost. So there’s a knowing of what to do in certain situations as they arise. Because there’s no motivation to do something in order to get somewhere, then everything is purely for what it is. So for instance, being here is totally about just being here with you. There isn’t anything else that actually matters. So it’s actually giving full attention to everything. So whether it’s in terms of a relationship, or whether it’s in terms of a perception, or an experience, everything is just seen purely & totally for what it is – and you’re just fully present with that.
     The state before that (ie our common, shared sense of reality), is that there’s something missing, that this is incomplete, this can be improved on, that actually I can do something to be in a better situation than this. So full attention is not something that’s available to you.

     Interviewer: People are always trying to find happiness. The human mind is always trying to move towards what it perceives as pleasure, and away from what it perceives as pain. And you go through this process where you get money, and you get material things, and hopefully you have your health and a good relationship, beautiful children and whatever, but still this feeling ‘it’s not enough.’ So we all try in our own way. It may seem unintelligent in what we’re doing, but most of us are actually trying to move towards what would appear to be an intelligent place of happiness, but unfortunately happiness on a human level doesn’t really contain the magic missing ingredients, does it?

     No, it doesn’t. And that’s part of the incentive in a way, or that’s part of the way consciousness unfolds. Because it’s that incompletion that allows the game to be played because as there really is only present awareness, then everything is already home, so there isn’t anything to find. But the way consciousness plays the game is that most of the stuff in the manifestation, is actually in contrast to its own essential nature. So it’s the idea of not being home. It’s the idea that there’s something missing. It’s the idea of incompletion. It’s the idea of impermanence. It’s the idea of imperfection. So all of the things that are actually the polar opposite of one’s true nature, are apparent in the manifestation. And in one respect, the reason it’s like that is to allow consciousness to know itself fully, because it’s by the contrast of the imperfection that perfection can be known."
     David Bingham interview: http://conscious.tv/single.php?vid=4480053001

     Using terminology with which you might be more familiar, we are BOTH frightened children desperately seeking safety & unconditional love (often "in all the wrong places"), AND wise elders who are the very source of safety & unconditional love. The Zen version of this is "not one, not two." The left-hemisphere of our brain is all about looking after the noisy frightened child & discounts & tries to drown out any other approach. Our right-hemisphere recognizes the important, restricted role of the left-hemisphere AND is aware of & values a FAR broader, FAR wiser perspective.

“As a man is, so he sees.” William Blake

 

Luis Del Rio Camacho - cover photo, Orion Magazine, Autumn 2021

 

Healing & Nurturing

     Practicing “compassion-infused attention” makes sense and feels good, feels right. Our entire intelligence knows & resonates with the quality of loving awareness with which a wise grandparent "holds" her beloved grandchild. This holding is one of safety, unconditional love & nurturing. This wondrous ability, this ultimate superpower we all can not only access, but is our natural state, our basic fundamental nature - who/what we are without the added traumas & reactive defenses.
     Our authenticity is intimacy - the awakened state. Self-compassionate awareness of our traumas & defenses allows us to "re-parent" ourselves (by holding ourselves in safety, unconditional love & nurturing), & then, we are able to have the same compassion for the traumas & defenses of others. With very patient, skillful, wise meditation practice, and trauma therapy as needed, our personal drama becomes less & less of an emotionally-charged, quick-sand-filled swamp, freeing up a tremendous amount of energy & attention for us to thrive in a much, much healthier, more interesting, more productive & joyous life. 
     To the degree we are unable to awaken, we perpetuate suffering - our own & others' (the plague of inter-generational trauma, bullying, racism, ... genocide). To the degree we are able to awaken, we embody a "beneficial presence" perpetuating true happiness - our own & others' (the blessings of inter-generational nurturing, kindness, generosity, ... justice).
     "Cracked Up - The Darrell Hammond Story" is a powerful documentary about the devastating effects of early childhood trauma: https://www.netflix.com/ca/title/81162153

 
      “Any time you feel an intimate connection, there is always a
quality of compassion, caring, and love that comes with it.” Adyashanti

      “Compassion for others begins with kindness to ourselves.” Pema Chodron

      "Social transformation is about touching the heart of our own suffering, out of which arises an organic understanding that we would not want anyone else to experience such suffering and, therefore, we wish for their well-being." Rev. angel Kyodo williams

“Love & justice are not two.
Without inner change,
there can be no outer change;
without collective change,
no change matters." Rev. angel Kyodo williams

Awkward Path to Peace, Equanimity & Joy

     If you're seriously committed to meditation practice, your noble quest to see clearly and find peace, equanimity & joy independent of circumstances might be smooth & easy, but more likely will have some ups & downs.

     “Depending upon various factors – such as psychological disposition, early conditioning, genetics, random chance – some people experience significant instability along the journey from surface to Source.

     Understand that your ordinary ordering principle is being ripped away – the body cannot get comfortable, the mind cannot get answers – but a new ordering principle, which is much deeper, is in the process of revealing itself.

     The awkward intermediate zone is a stage that some meditators pass through wherein the old coping mechanism (tighten up & turn away) is in the process of being shed, but the new coping mechanism (open up & turn toward) is not yet strong enough to provide abiding safety and fulfillment.” 
       Shinzen Young. “The Science of Enlightenment. How Meditation Works.” Sounds True, 2016. 
 

Complete Experiencing - Healing Trauma

     To be held in safety & unconditional love is one of the most fundamental of human needs. But life's paradoxical. A part of us longs for, while another part resists intimate connection.
     Meditation practice helps us to clearly see ourselves, others & the rest of reality, accept and re-establish intimate relationship with everything - "life's 10,000 joys and 10,000 sorrows." Shinzen Young's book (below) clearly explains how to achieve this through regular meditation practice.

     "Every time we identify with feeling separate from life, that’s a very subtle trauma. It’s the trauma of the perception of isolation." Caverly Morgan

      "... everything yearns to be met. Everything yearns to resolve itself in love – that love being the open space of acceptance, of allowing, of staying resolutely present, and unconditionally open to every nuance of your inner experience." Amoda Maa

      "Once we are willing to be directly intimate with our life as it arises, joy emerges out of the simplest of life experiences." Pat Enkyo O'Hara
 
     "To be enlightened is to be intimate with all things." Dogen

     "If trauma is defined as ‘inescapably stressful event that overwhelms people’s existing coping mechanisms’ and that in its psychological sense overwhelms the integrity and continuity of the self because its damage to the internalized links between self and other, then for a great many people there can be many small traumas, generating many areas of sequestered, dissociated, and partially dissociated experience. This is in addition to vulnerability to severe trauma.
     ... most crucially at issue in dissociatively-based psychopathology is the collapse of relationality – both interpersonal and intrapersonal (or interstate). Dissociation, as a state of being divided and as a chronic process, is ultimately a barrier to relationality, both within and between selves.
     ... I believe (most of us have) an addictive proprietorship over dissociative solutions ... The way we do this and how much we do it may differ, but I think we do it all the same.”
     Elizabeth F. Howell. “The Dissociative Mind.” Routledge, 2008

      “Paradoxically, the more we try to change ourselves, the more we prevent change from occurring. On the other hand, the more we allow ourselves to fully experience who we are, the greater the possibility of change.
 
      Every identification we hold about ourselves disconnects us from the fluidity of our core nature. Our identifications – that is, all the fixed beliefs we take to be our true self – along with the associated patterns of nervous systems dysregulation separate us from ourselves and the experience of being present and engaged. As much as we may feel constrained by our survival styles, we are afraid to, or do not know how to, move beyond them.
      Our survival styles are reflected in our bodies in two ways: as areas of tension (hypertonicity) and as areas of weakness or disconnection (hypotonicity). Patterns of tension and weakness reveal the ways we have learned to compensate for the disconnection from our needs, core self, and life force.
     All of us are somewhere on the continuum of connection to disconnection from our core selves and our bodies.”
       Laurence Heller, Aline LaPierre. "Healing Developmental Trauma: How Early Trauma Affects Self-Regulation, Self-Image, and the Capacity for Relationship.” North Atlantic Books, 2012.

     “The basic premise of mindfulness meditation is that consistently infusing the qualities of concentration, clarity, and equanimity into ordinary experience over time causes a fundamental shift in our paradigm. It is for this reason that mindfulness is sometimes called insight meditation.

     If you want to be happy independent of conditions, you’ll need to learn how to have a complete experience of each basic type of body sensation. On the spiritual path, we have to learn how to have a complete experience of anger, so that anger does not cause suffering which then distorts our behavior. For the same reason, we have to learn how to have a complete experience of fear, sadness, and so on. We even have to learn how to have a complete experience of physical pain, as well as other unpleasant feelings in the body such as fatigue and nausea. When I say, ‘Have a complete experience of x,’ its’ just a quick way of saying, ‘Experience x with so much concentration, clarity, and equanimity that there’s no time to coagulate x – or yourself – into a thing.’ You and x become an integrated flow of energy and spaciousness.
     Learning how to have a complete experience of discomfort sets us free. Learning how to have a complete experience of pleasure deeply fulfills. … The body sensations of making love are spiritual to the extent that they are complete, that is, experienced in a state of concentration, sensory clarity, and equanimity. To know what true love is, we need to experience it as it truly is. In Tibet, that’s called the oneness of bliss and void.” 
       Shinzen Young. “The Science of Enlightenment. How Meditation Works.” Sounds True, 2016.
 

How to Honor what One has Learned?

     After completing an 8-week Mindfulness (MBSR) course the challenge, as one recent MBSR graduate eloquently stated, is "to continue to honor what one has learned." On finishing a meditation retreat we face the exact same challenge. 
     So how does an immersive mindfulness experience compare to normal daily life? How do we differ during these two, often very different sets of circumstances?

     At an MBSR course (or retreat), we feel held in safety, nonjudgment & unconditional kindness, and are continuously reminded to hold ourselves likewise. This makes it possible to very gradually, at our individual pace, safely shed a few layers of protective armoring. Some of us have been through, and sometimes continue to be subjected to, so much trauma that in addition to meditation, therapy is also essential to become adequately unburdened. The ultimate task of our life's journey is to fully reconnect with and embody authenticity, which is always present, but hidden under all the layers of conditioning.
     When normal daily life meets our conditioning, we tend feel unsafe, judged (perhaps most severely by our self), and, unless we measure up to certain standards (our own are often so unrealistically high as to be unattainable) we'll worry about being fired, unloved, shunned, etc. So it's pretty easy to retain, or even progressively accumulate layers of armoring under adversarial conditions, whether these be real or imagined. 
     Clearly, the more consistently we're able to hold ourselves in mindfulness and its essential associated attitudes (plus psychotherapy as required), the more we set ourselves free to live a genuinely authentic life. Richard Schwartz, founder of Internal Family Systems (IFS), describes the vital importance of liberating our young, sensitive / hurt 'parts': "Your most sensitive parts are also, when they’re not hurt, your most playful, joyful, creative, spontaneous, fun-loving, intimacy-seeking parts. They’re your juice – these inner children."

     Meditation, wisely practiced, is “a way of being in touch with our wholeness – our self without the overlay of what may have crept through in our history, without the stories we make about our life, without the defensiveness or delusions that we have built up to protect ourselves. Too often what we consciously or unconsciously use as ‘protection’ can become a frame through which we view all of life; it is a distorted frame – a prison actually. And in that prison it is very difficult to function from the heart or even to find the heart. By clearing the space in our mind, we open our life to appreciation of and confidence in whatever shows up." Pat Enkyo O’Hara

     We honor, maintain, and build on what we've learned in MBSR & retreats by continuing to practice meditation in a wise, consistent manner.

Unconditional Love

     “… scientific methodology is the product of human hands and thus cannot reach some permanent truth. We build scientific theories to organize and manipulate the world, to reduce phenomena into manageable units. Science is based on reproducibility & manufactured objectivity. 
     As strong as that makes its ability to generate claims about matter & energy, it also makes scientific knowledge inapplicable to the existential, visceral nature of human life, which is unique and subjective and unpredictable.
    Science may provide the most useful way to organize empirical, reproducible data, but its power to do so is predicated on its inability to grasp the most central aspects of human life: hope, fear, love, hate, beauty, envy, honor, weakness, striving, suffering, virtue.”
       Paul Kalanithi MD. “When Breath Becomes Air.” Random House, 2016.
 
      "The essential dynamic of the shadow patriarch (dark side of male energy), whether operating within a man or woman, is the unrelenting drive to power, dominance, and control. In many ways this attempts to compensate for the loss of connection, love, & belonging, and ultimately for the loss of an ability to feel intimacy with life.” Thanissara

     “It’s great if we become a super cool meditator ... but if the heart isn’t free from suffering – or at least moving in that direction – we may have missed the point. In other words, we need to reflect on the results. What are the effects of meditation practices in my life? Are wholesome qualities of heart increasing – like generosity, kindness, & wisdom? Are unwholesome ones – greed, hatred, & delusion – decreasing?" Kittisaro

     “Love is the bridge
      between you and everything.” Rumi

     “If you judge people (* including yourself *), you have no time to love them.” Mother Teresa
 
     “The love & attention you always thought
      you wanted from someone else,
      is the love and attention
      you first need to give to yourself.” Bryant McGill 

     “It’s not a luxury to feel loved and cared for — it’s what makes us emotionally secure. If it didn’t happen when we were children, meditation can help us develop a secure emotional base now.
     … connecting with our true nature in order to gradually make our minds freer is a real possibility. And that same capacity for attunement translates into more genuine connections.” Tara Bennett-Goleman PhD

     “Your task is not to seek for love,
      but merely to seek & find all of the barriers
      within yourself that you have built against it.” Helen Schueman

“There is a light in this world, 

a healing spirit more powerful 

than any darkness we may encounter.  

We sometimes lose sight of this force 

when there is suffering, too much pain.  

Then suddenly, the spirit will emerge 

through the lives of ordinary people 

who hear a call 

and answer in extraordinary ways.”

Mother Teresa

www.buddhadoodles.com

Meaningful Connection

     When we're under a lot of stress, we tend to feel isolated, alienated, all alone, like nobody cares about us, me against the world. Most people are drawn to mindfulness-based stress reduction (MBSR) courses to better manage their stress and become more resilient in the face of life's many and unpredictable challenges.
     "Resilience is our inherent capacity to see beauty, find connection, commune with something larger than ourselves, and create – even in or after horrendous experiences." Staci Haines
     Stress tends to close us down - we back away from our own authenticity, others & the environment. Resilience allows us to open up, and connect with our own authenticity, with others & the environment.

     "In trauma-sensitive mindfulness practice, resilience involves imagining a place, activity, or memory that connects us to a sense of well-being … This can be cultivated by introducing a brief intervention during mindfulness practice or by practicing a separate guided meditation. Once people feel they can stabilize their attention on the resilient stimuli – the feeling of being somewhat safe, or a positive memory – we can then guide them to feel physical sensations that correspond with the resilient object of attention.”  David A. Treleaven. “Trauma-Sensitive Mindfulness. Practices for Safe and Transformative Healing.” W.W. Norton & Co, 2018.

     It's profoundly calming (self-soothing, self-regulating) to vividly remember the physical sensations during a time when we felt deeply connected to ourself, another person, an animal, the environment, or even an activity. Safety, trust & love dominate in connection (& evaporate under stress). 
     Savor the interaction in the (11mins) video below, between Susan and Maddy the bear. The quality of their connection is viscerally obvious.